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Mindset Coach Online Business Self Development

Why I Told “Fredericka” To Take a Hike

In fact, I told her to f*%k off. It was high time.

Who is Fredericka you might be asking? She happens to be that little voice of doubt; that little niggle; that stone in the shoe; that alter-ego who really has not served my greater purpose at all.

She has been that voice of self-doubt; that voice passing down her feelings of inadequacy. That voice where I thought I was an intellectual fraud.

She is the voice of Impostor Syndrome.

Wikipedia describes Impostor Syndrome as follows:

Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenonimpostorismfraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.[1] Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not deserve all they have achieved. Individuals with impostorism incorrectly attribute their success to luck, or interpret it as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent than they perceive themselves to be.[2] While early research focused on the prevalence among high-achieving women, impostor syndrome has been recognized to affect both men and women equally.

The words “doubts skills, talents and accomplishments to being exposed as a fraud” and “attributing my success to luck” rung true for me.

So, Fredericka had to go!

She came from a time past where I belonged to one of my first online groups, and I was too afraid to tell them my real name.

I was afraid that I might be exposed as a fraud.

She grew some power from there.

Fredericka kept Robyn-Lee, me, from understanding that the success that I was achieving wasn’t due to my efforts. I am glad that I became aware of her motives early on.

I must interject on my words that I am writing here, to say that this blog post is not intended to downplay or supersede professional guidance with this particular syndrome.

It only offers to trigger awareness to the reader, and for them to know that help is at hand and that you are not alone.

A few Characteristics to look out for:

  • Self-doubt;
  • Sabotaging your own success – I am (still) big on this one;
  • Unable to realistically assess your competence and skills;
  • Overwhelming fear that you won’t live up to expectations;
  • Feelings of inadequacy;
  • Rebuking your performance;
  • Striving for perfection because the smallest mistake is agony for you;
  • Extremely sensitive to constructive criticism;
  • Admiration for other’s success but believing that you are not fit for the likes of them;
  • Worrying that others will realise how little you know;
  • Not able to accept praise in the spirit in which it is given, and perhaps feeling like you dodged a bullet because you thought you did a bad job;
  • Believing that you are not capable of lasting success.

If any of these ring true for you, you are likely a sufferer.

It is interesting to note that around 70% of people will experience this phenomenon during their lives. This might also be a sign of some other underlying issue that highlights your need for extra support.

Some of the Tactics that I use:

As with most things in life, we all require some strategies to boost our performance. Whether that is the extra practice at public speaking; or writing in a public forum or even just posting your opinion onto a social media platform, and being resilient enough to receive the backlash that might ensue because all don’t accept your opinion.

It is how we manage our reactions, and for introverts in particular these reactions are mostly internalised.

If you have a “Fredericka” that tells you that you are a fool, try these to dispel that poisonous voice in your head:

  • Talking about your feelings acknowledges them. I am an introvert so like to blog, and a forum for writers like Medium.Com is a wonderful place to write about your feelings;
  • Make a list of your achievements and keep them visible;
  • Focus on your strengths. Yes, being aware of your weaknesses is important too, like being aware that Impostor Syndrome might grab you from time to time. When it does, revert to your list of strengths.
  • Practice an “Attitude of Gratitude”. All too often, we revert to everything wrong in the world, but if you are focused on those things that you are grateful for, your mind starts to change;
  • Every morning, before you start your day run through what yesterday was good for. I get it, sometimes you have to dig deep, but even the simplest thing like “I drank an extra glass of water” leans your head into the positive. Then leave yesterday just there – in the past;
  • Be very particular about what you read on social media. I make sure that I have people and their dogs in my feed! Dogs, I find are awesome to elevate a low spirit!
  • Value your perspective. Every single one of us has value to give to this world. Never doubt it. When you do, go back to your list of achievements and strengths;
  • Don’t play the comparison game. If you are an entrepreneur like myself, it is easy to see how others are being successful and taking action and when seeing it, you denigrate your own progress. Be aware that everyone’s journey is different, and always refer back to your own list of achievements to keep you on track;
  • Failing is inevitable. When a mentor told me this, it hit me full on in my stomach, and I was filled with such fear that it stopped me in the tracks! The reality is that even with a mentor and learning skills, failure will at some time find you. It’s learning how to take those lessons and move forward and be better the next time. Reflecting on those failures and accepting those lessons, goes onto your achievements list. There is no failure, only feedback.
  • Remind yourself that your successes are your work. Yes, you might have had guidance and a helping hand, but you had to do it. You had to sit and study the material if you were heading into an exam. You had to learn a process in your new job; it was you who stood in front of those people, presenting your programme or your case; it was you and you alone, who moved forward.

Accept your power. Be grateful for it too.

Accept your greatness and reward yourself by being your best advocate.

Above all else, speak to yourself with kind words; with constructive words and words that will build you up.

For all introverts who would like to get into the habit of writing, even it is to vent, have a look at my blog on Medium.Com. I have no affiliation here except to write, so don’t be afraid to check it out, and get writing!

https://perpetualpilgrim1006.medium.com/

Photo by Olya Kobruseva from Pexels

Categories
Mindset Coach Online Business Self Development

Radical Resilience in Five Steps

I want you to think back to early 2020.

Be in that place where you listened to the world leaders telling us that we were heading into “lockdown”.

Remember, for a moment, those feelings rushing through your body. Fear? Panic? Relief? Sadness? Happiness? Scepticism?

Now step back into your space that you are in today.

Looking back, relish and celebrate that resilience that you built. That strength that you mustered during what was, what still is, an epic moment in our history.

Without a doubt, we are far more resilient as a community than what we were heading into 2020 and here’s why:

  1. We changed our stories.

I remember as if it were yesterday.

President Cyril Ramaphosa appeared on television and social media channels to let us know that we were heading into “lockdown”. Admittedly, I recall little else about that announcement because I tried to process what this all meant for me.

There was little time to be ruminating on the effects of this lockdown because it was going ahead in 48 hours.

It was a spring to action kind of 48 hours.

Planning what we needed at home, getting to grips with a new lifestyle that would have us locked indoors, how the younger ones were going to cope without the structure of the school day, and what that actually meant.

All the while, it was about changing the story that we were being faced with.

It was setting up plans and managing days that were now home-based. Finding alternatives to exercise regimes when gyms were closed. It was seeking out the best outcome for what was a situation that we had no precedent for.

We changed our stories.

We changed how we saw things, and I would suggest that we found lots of things to be grateful for when we were searching for answers.

2. We faced our fears.

With no time to ruminate on this global pandemic, we faced down any fears that we might be having. We really didn’t have a choice, did we?

There is a beneficial process for overcoming fears that I wrote about in a previous blog. I might add for this situation, that process happened pretty much in first gear!

I remember being fearful about what my godsons were going to do without their school structure. So too, what was my best friend going to do about her own work commitments and then manage two young boys at home?

How would I best show up for others, and was I even equipped to do so?

When I reflect on that time, we all did so amazingly well! It wasn’t about our skills that we might have lacked and overcome in a short space of time.

No, it was about our upbeat spirit and how we constantly sought out fun and caring things to do for each other. How we celebrated each other as the days went by and homeschooling became the “new normal”.

If I was taught about resilience during this time, it was from two young boys aged three and five who did everything they were asked to do, and then some.

There are incredible lessons that we can learn from our young-ones.

3. Self-compassion became a talking point.

I remember being online with a group of people during the lockdown, and we were all sharing what was going on in our respective worlds.

The story didn’t change much as each of us spoke about what lockdown meant to us and what effect we were experiencing.

We spoke about mindfulness.

How workdays had, in fact, gotten longer. Everyone working from home was spending more time at their laptops because it was now easier and more convenient.

The golden thread through all conversations was around how we all needed to be more self-compassionate. Mindful about the time spent doing the work and how best to create balance around homelife.

There was discussion around teams being separated from each other and how leaders could best support those teams. How to create connection around disconnection.

Knowing that we weren’t all alone in these efforts, was a great comfort.

We learnt that we could be kinder to ourselves, and we learnt that in so doing, that we could be kinder to others.

4. Being present in the now

I experienced a massive turning point in my online business during this time. It came from my own realisation that was worrying about the future and being concerned about my past was unproductive for me.

We all know very well that we experience pain when we are not absolutely and whole-heartedly in the present moment. We are in the present moment when we are reflecting on everything that we can be grateful for.

There was and is so much that we can be grateful for coming out of the pandemic.

5. We connected and supported each other

I connected with people all across the globe who inspired me and supported me in my journey. I, in turn, did the same.

I still look to those people today for that same inspiration. I learned wonderful things about the world at large, and I saw nature revitalise itself during a period of calm.

I was, and still am, grateful for all of those things and every person who touched my life during the lockdown.

There was a massive move in the online community towards connection and support. Business networks were booming; new skills were being learned, and people were growing exponentially because of this connection.

We were becoming resilient; we were changing our narratives and facing down fears.

We were developing our ability to withstand adversity.

The big question is will we continue to grow in this powerful way as we head into the world equipped to face the “new normal”?

Photo by Ann H from Pexels

Categories
Mindset Coach Online Business Self Development

Five Steps to Self-Worth

Oh, I have self belief in buckets, as I am sure that you do to!

However, consider those times when your resolve has been shaken. Perhaps your confidence has wavered a little as you are starting on a new venture, or you are setting off into the “unknown.”

Self-worth is described as one’s own value of being a human being. That’s pretty powerful when you think about it.

There was a time when I questioned my purpose. My direction had been set off-kilter, and I realised that my self-belief was very different to having a sense of self-worth.

These are the steps I used to get me to a place where I could support and emphasize my value that I had to share with the world:

  1. What is the one thing you can do better than anyone else?

This is that thing that makes us all unique. It is our USP – our Unique Selling Proposition.

We frame this question in this way so that it alters your mindset from the get-go.

For my whole life, I have tended to be a “people watcher.” One of my favourite things to do is sit and watch how people interact, share their experiences and revel in their success.

I remember when I walked into the ancient city of Santiago de Compostela after I had completed my pilgrimage. I felt a massive sense of achievement, but at the same time, I was mostly overwhelmed with all of the emotions that were rushing through me.

So, I sat. I sat and I watched.

I sat for hours watching other pilgrims coming into the square to celebrate their own success at completing their respective journeys. I witnessed quiet celebrations of other solo walkers; I witnessed group celebrations and high-spirited singing; I watched how devotees to the Apostle St James fell to their knees in the square in front of the cathedral and prayed.

Some simply sat like I was. Just taking it all in.

You see, my USP is that I genuinely love it when other people succeed. It makes no difference to me who they are or where they have come from. I love seeing people achieve their goals.

It is also the one thing that spurs me on to my own goals. It’s a shared sense of success because I believe that we should all have it, in whatever shape or form success looks like to you.

2. When was a time you succeeded?

As far as I am concerned we succeed everyday.

For me, success doesn’t have to massive. It can be those little daily shifts forward, moving you into your ultimate power.

It can be as simple as being aware of a habit. It can be as epic as delivering your message to a large group of people. It can be writing your first line as an author or having your first book published.

All of those things are a success. So, when you are answering this particular question, don’t be harsh on yourself.

You succeed every day!

3. Make a list of things that you are very good at

This one is aimed directly at shifting your mindset into a place where you are celebrating and reiterating your self-worth.

Don’t be shy here! Make that list!

Remember, too, that this isn’t being arrogant when we celebrate our positive aspects of self. Arrogance is an exaggerated sense of self-worth that seeps into your behaviour.

This list reminds you of what you can always rely on and how you can trust yourself.

4. Think of a time when you overcame a difficult situation

All too often, when we are faced with a new challenge, our self-doubt steps in to tell us how difficult it is going to be.

Listen carefully to those words when they start to whisper in your head. Listen to what they are saying, and then debunk and replace them with that time you overcame a difficult situation.

It will be beneficial to make a list here, too, of all the things that might have been challenging to others where you have overcome that challenge. We all see and experience things so differently, and we can tend to diminish our courage because, in fact, it is a natural thing for us to do.

Over the years, I have had many people tell me how courageous I am for the things I have done. It is only when we reflect on those instances, which seemed quite normal at the time when we can acknowledge the incredible courage that we all have.

5. List your inner-strengths

I personally love this one!

If anything is going to get your self-worth into first gear, it is this list.

To get you started here are some examples of inner-strengths:

  • Wisdom
  • Kindness
  • Courage
  • Fairness
  • Trust
  • Tenacity
  • Curiosity
  • Resilience
  • Flexibility
  • Humanity
  • Justice
  • Community
  • Gratitude

….and the list goes on.

Keep these notes always close at hand as a reminder of your awesome power and magnificence.

As a reminder of your self-worth and all of the value, you have a duty to share with the world.

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Categories
Mindset Coach Online Business Self Development

Four Reasons why your “Why” will shift your Mindset!

I like to call it “The Why Factor”

I am going to head straight into those four reasons. Here goes!

  1. Your why is a warrior for that horrid doubt monster.
  2. Your why shakes up those unhelpful patterns taking place in your mind.
  3. Your why helps you set clear intentions.
  4. Your why, will always be that go-to place for action.

I am fortunate enough to be in a business network group with awesome online entrepreneurs who are encouraged to explore and reinforce their “why”.

The reason that they are in business; the reason they get up in the morning; and the reason that pushes them forward despite all odds.

It’s a super-powerful exercise, and when we read each other’s “whys” it fills you with such joy and commitment to your own audacious goals.

I would say that for me, it has been the single most robust strategy to my online growth. We must all keep growing.

It quietens the doubt monster.

If you are anything like me, doubt creeps in from time to time. I sit and ponder on what might have been an easier decision. I ask myself whether I should simply return to a life of the 9 to 5.

When I think about the logistics of returning to my “old life” it fills me with such fear, because today I am ultimately living my life aligned with my core values. It’s a life where my huge goals can in fact be achieved.

This fills my heart with gratitude, just writing about it.

I have my “why” posted in clear view. I can see it every day and when that nasty doubt monster starts creeping in, I think of my “why”.

The warrior in me comes to the surface and slays that doubt!

Let’s talk about “unhelpful” patterns

As a mindset coach, I am fully aware of unhelpful patterns in my state of mind. Yes, we all go through those states of anger, fear, grief, self-doubt to name a few.

The trick though is not to wallow in those states, and not to hang around in those unresourceful moments. What I find useful, is to accept the state for what it is, understand the reasons for being in that state, and then ask what state would be best for me to make the situation easier.

“What state would be best for me to make this situation easier?”

An exceptionally powerful question to ask yourself.

Even more incredible is to ask yourself this question and refer back to your big, bold and fearless “why”.

This combination will relight your fire inside and get you into superhero state!

Setting clear intentions based on your “why” will always get you over challenging hurdles

My intention is clear and sharp simply because it has it’s foundation in my “why”.

If you were asked the question in a certain circumstance, for example, scaling your online business, your “why factor” helps you become clear on your intentions. Moving forward from there, your intentions clarify and create our reality.

Dr Wayne Dyer coined that phrase. “Our intention creates our reality”, and I firmly believe it.

Taking action is far easier when you have a “why”

What would you act on, if you didn’t have a reason to?

If you intention was unclear, how would you take purposeful action?

Your “why” is ultimately congruent with all of your business efforts, and if it is bold enough it will permeate into everything that you stand for in your life. Taking action then almost becomes like second nature.

So, never underestimate the almighty power of your “why”. It will keep you moving, even when it is difficult to do so. It will keep you on point, even when all around you the noise is deafening, and it will take you to a place that is wonderful and rewarding.

It’s a place we all deserve.

Are you ready to head into your power?

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